“Anxiety”

Growing up in a rural area of North Carolina, I enjoyed spending time outdoors and observing wildlife. In the wild, animal interactions are often intense. One distinct, repeating confrontation is a conflict between crows and various birds of prey. Even as a child, I remember hearing what sounded like dozens of crows berating (what would turn out to be) an owl, hawk, and once a bald eagle. Typically, a single crow begins to hammer out a caw, then reinforcements can be seen or heard coming to their aid. These conflicts can last half an hour or more, and cover large expanses of trees and fields as a murder of irate crows bombard sometimes a single bird of prey. During one such instance, I witnessed a red-tailed hawk drag a crow down from the sky and tear it apart in an open field by my house. After a brief but bloody savaging, reinforcements arrived and the hawk flew off, leaving the dying crow in its wake. I cautiously approached, hoping to help in some way. As I inched closer, I understood the extent of his injuries…an apparent broken wing, bright foaming blood revealing part of his skull.... I could not help the crow, but the experience made me understand the stakes of this rivalry. Now, whenever I hear a murder of crows in the distance, I feel a sense of anxiety. Confrontation is at hand. Each side has reasons for their behavior. I empathize with the animals involved. I make connections between their conflict and my daily fight with my anxiety and depression. What is right and what is wrong? What will win today? In their conflict, there is no right or wrong; it is just a struggle and a fight for resources.

One thing I understand is that anxiety, and how it manifests itself, is unique to each individual. I have a tendency to hide and suppress my anxieties until they burn a hole through me. It damages relationships and the scars remind me of the battles. In a way, just like the Crows/ Hawks, it is a fight for resources…Trying to give the proper attention to thoughts and emotions that are often in conflict. I have found help through meditation and prayer. It doesn’t prevent the anxiety/depression from surfacing at times, but I’m trying to find healthier ways to mediate the struggle.

The idea for this particular piece had been in my mind for some time when I happened to be in the woods walking my dogs and heard a single staccato caw… within seconds the surrounding trees were flooded with crow caws intermingled with the cry of a couple of red-shouldered hawks.

In the woods, amidst the trees and fleeing birds, I felt like I was part of the conflict. It engulfed me as I stood watching their flying silhouettes in the trees and listened to the birds exchanging taunts.

One of the few apps I have on my phone is the “Merlin Bird ID” from The Cornell Lab of Ornithology.  Through my exploration of this app, I found a sound analysis program called “Raven Lite”.  Using this software, I was able to visualize the sounds from my crow and hawk videos by creating a spectrogram. In the final stages of the painting, I included a section from one of these spectrograms to reinforce the heightened state of anxiety I felt while witnessing their conflict.  

Additional video of the Crows and Hawks